I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
