My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
