Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You can't motorboat a personality
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
