you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
