the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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