so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
