Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Less talking, more tequila
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
