dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
