I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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