Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is Oprah even human
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
