Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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