Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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