I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
