Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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