I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
