My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
