Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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