So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
