I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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