i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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