It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
