I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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