If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
