I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
its liver damage thursday
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
