omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
