all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
