apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
