My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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