He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
