i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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