i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
