I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
