my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This is the high leading the old right now
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
