Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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