I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
