hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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