how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
