the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
