I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
