Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
