Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize