I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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