Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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