I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize