It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
