U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
