He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
