pop tarts are not kleenex
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
