Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
