my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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