We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
