I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
