youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
