if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
worst night to have a conscience
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
