it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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